Government Bail Out

This Christmas I feel Judy and I deserve some sort of government bail-out. As it stands now we, like many other couples, have been forced to cut back on our spending habits which then jeopardizes the United States economy. I am as patriotic as the next guy and I do not want to be held responsible for the collapse of the U.S.A. and Western Civilization. If I could just get a small check, say for $200,000 or even a lousy $100,000, I promise Judy and I would do our patriotic duty to get the country back on track.
Naturally there will be those nattering nabobs of negativism who will say there isn’t enough money to do this for everyone. They will make claims that it will put the country deeper in debt and bankrupt us. They of course simply don’t understand modern economics.
Modern economic theory dictates that some enterprises are simply too large to fail. It apparently is a law of nature. Recent bail-outs of numerous companies have amounted to close to a trillion dollars. I used to think one billion dollars was a lot of money but now realize that is chump change. All this money keeps appearing as if out of nowhere.
Some people claim it is actually tax money from citizens of the U. S. But more and more citizens are losing their jobs and not paying taxes so I am suspicious.
The only logical answer is the “money fairy.”
In college I took Economics 101 which was extremely boring and never once covered the “money fairy.” Economic theory evolves and this was back in the 60s so maybe the advanced idea of a “money fairy” had not arrived yet. When I was a child my parents would give me a weekly allowance and I think the “money fairy theory” works in a similar manner.
The next question to arise is, where does the “money fairy” live? Many people think he (or maybe she) lives somewhere in the White House. This is because the checks are always signed by someone in the US government. This is false of course.
The “money fairy” is very sneaky. The “money fairy” lives in a far a way country that claims to be Communist, but in reality is now more of a ruthless Capitalist than we are. (“Money fairies” are noted for moving from one country to another.)
The country is China and as long as we don’t antagonize the “money fairy” everything will be fine.
Both Judy and I admit we occasionally spent our money unwisely at times. But, like those big corporations who also have made poor decisions, we shouldn’t be penalized for our stupidity. After all this is America. In fact I think Judy and I should get some type of bonus for our poor financial decisions. They do that on Wall Street.
Judy and I would be happy with a meager $10,000 bonus each for our poor financial decisions.

Wishing you, one and all, a very Merry Christmas and Happy and Prosperous New Year!

Conversation With Joe Sixpack

Joe Sixpack lived at 201 Budlight Lane. He was easy to find since he was listed in the local phone book. A beat-up blue pickup truck was sitting in his front yard and a McCain-Palin poster was tacked to the lone maple tree that towered over the yard. Empty beer cans were arranged in a neat row along the porch railing.

Joe offered me a beer as I entered, but since I was working I declined. I had explained on the phone that I was doing a post-election analysis and that the company I worked for wanted to get Joe Sixpack's views. As I stood there in his living room, I watched as Joe nervously peered out the windows and kept looking at me suspiciously.

"You're with them, aren't you?" he said.

"I work for a company that analyzes voting patterns," I answered. "I explained this on the phone Mr. Sixpack.

"Yeah sure. How did you find out I voted for the black guy?"

I was caught off guard by his remark. "I assure you I had no idea who you voted for."

Joe Sixpack now began to open up and spill his guts out. I suspected it was partly the beer he had been drinking and I was happy to listen.

"Look, my job's been shipped to China, I'm losing my house, my wife's left me and my damned dog won't have anything to do with me. You think I was gonna vote for you Republicans you're crazy."

I was stunned. "So you voted for Barack Obama. Is that what you are telling me Joe?"

"Right. I voted for the Socialist-Muslim-Terrorist with the whacko preacher. All I ask is that you don't tell my neighbors."

I could see that Joe Sixpack was a man truly suffering. "I assure you Joe this information is confidential and no names are used. May I ask what exactly convinced you to vote for Obama. Perhaps it was those stirring speeches he gave or perhaps the tax cuts for the middle-class."

"Give me a break. You know and I know that's all bull. Politicians are all just a bunch of liars and crooks. I voted for him because of football."

"Huh?"

"The NFL man! All them black quarterbacks and coaches now. Life is just a big football game, you know? It's the fourth quarter, no time-outs left and we've got 98 yards to go for a go-ahead touchdown. I figured it was time to bring in the black guy and give him a shot."

"Okay," I said, somewhat surprised.

Joe looked at me with a hint of a smile on his face and said, "That Sarah Palin was hot though, wasn't she?"

"Yes, she was attractive."

"She is why my wife left me," said Joe. He had a glum look on his face now. "I had this t-shirt with SARAH PALIN IS HOT written on it. Then I made the mistake of telling her I would like to go moose hunting with Sarah. That's when she threw a frying pan at me which missed and hit the dog. That's why the dog hates me now."

As I left Joe he made one last request that I not tell his neighbors he voted for the black guy.

McCain Strategy

In what some political analysts believe is a truly historic and risky political move, John McCain has proposed postponing the upcoming presidential election. As one advisor close to McCain put it, "John feels there are simply too many horrendous calamities on the horizon to have an election now. To have a terrified electorate make a choice between John and that black guy at this moment would be too traumatic."

When asked when would be the appropriate time for an election to take place, John McCain replied, "After I have flown back to Washington and single-handedly straightened things out with some straight talk. As you all know I have dealt with some pretty tough cookies in my younger years."

When pressed by members of the liberal-press to give examples of the horrendous calamities, an obviously irate McCain grabbed the reporter by the shirt collar and screamed, "Financial meltdown, Iraq, Afghanistan, Russians, keeping Sarah Palin away from you and my slipping poll numbers!"

Members of the Obama campaign have expressed puzzlement and caution concerning McCain's statements. Some feel it is very sophisticated political trick orchestrated by Carl Rove. Barack Obama has stated he still plans to be on the ballot regardless of what John McCain does.

When asked about McCain's bold move, Sarah Palin replied, "Well you all know John McCain is a maverick and I can see Russia while field-dressing a moose."














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Obama's Pet Gap

Recent polls indicate Barack Obama is lagging behind John McCain with a critical segment of the U.S. voting public. This group is not women over 50, Latinos, military veterans, Native Americans, independant voters or Arkansas Hillbillies. No, the group he is losing cuts across all spectrums of the American public.

Pet owners heavily favor John McCain because he has lots of pets. John McCain's menagerie consists of Sam the English springer spaniel, Coco the mutt, Oreo the cat, a ferret, three parakeets and a number of saltwater fish. Obama on the other hand owns no pets. A definite "pet-gap" has developed which could be critical in a close election.

So far Barack Obama has merely promised to get his daughters a dog after the election. His advisers, however, realize the potential danger in this "pet-gap" and are currently trying to close it. Obama campaign workers are now discreetly visiting both Petco and PetSmart stores to collect as many animals as possible.

Close advisers within the Obama camp have spoken on condition of anonymity that so far they have acquired 5 dogs, 4 cats, 2 cockatoos, 6 parakeets, 3 rabbits, 3 chinchillas, 4 painted turtles, 2 Red Boa Constrictors, 1 very nasty tempered tarantula and a three foot alligator that keeps biting workers when they feed him. The plan is to have all these pets on the stage with the candidate when he gives his acceptance speech in Denver. It is felt that this event will not only close the "pet-gap" but actually allow Obama to surge ahead and leave McCain in the dust.

Of course there are risks. For instance if the alligator was to bite the candidate the Secret Service has said they would have no choice but to shoot the gator. This might cause a backlash among owners of reptiles but Obama advisers feel it is worth the risk. The "pet-gap" needs to be overcome at all costs.

Butterfly Effect

The term "butterfly effect" refers to the idea that the flutter of a butterfly's wings could have a far-reaching ripple effect on subsequent events. Because of this concept, I have been debating over what to do about a bird nesting on our front porch.

An Oregon Junco, a small brown bird with a black head, has built a nest in a white plastic planter filled with artificial plants. The planter sits on the railing on our front porch. We didn't realize the bird was nesting at first because the nest was so well hidden among the plastic plants. But after observing the bird fly out of the planter every time we used the front door, I became curious. Juncos build very neat little nests constructed with mud and grass. In the nest I could see three tiny white eggs with blue spots. Judy, my wife, printed up a sign to stop people from using the front door.

Of course, with placement of the sign across our front walkway, I realized the "butterfly effect" had begun. The sign told people to come to our backdoor which is around our garage and then to the rear of the house. This discouraged many people who simply said, "This is stupid. Just get rid of the nest!" It was obvious that by building its nest on our porch the bird's actions had now rippled out and caused my neighbors to regard me as stupid.

Also, delivery people began leaving packages in our fenced-in backyard which delighted our dog Corki who promptly began chewing on the new items. All because a bird decides to lay its eggs on our front porch.

My wife has taken to calling the bird an "Oregon Junky." She points out that Oregon is a very liberal state populated by ex-hippys who want to legalize marijuana, believe in mass-transit and will probably vote for Obama. She thinks the bird may be some type of omen favoring Barack Obama. By leaving the nest in place we have created that little "flutter" in the universe that will then cause a majority of people to vote for Obama.

Of course there are always other possibilities. For instance there is a Sharp Shinned Hawk that comes into our little development occasionally. The Sharp Shinned Hawk is a bird hawk. Unlike the broad winged Redtail Hawk, the Sharp Shinned has short rounded wings and a long tail which gives it speed and maneuverability for catching birds on the wing. Maybe the young Juncos will merely be food for the Sharp Shinned Hawk.

Naturally if that were to happen I would then wonder if that would be a little "flutter" in the universe that favors John McCain. A person really doesn't want to contemplate the "butterfly effect" too deeply.

Crazy Preacher Syndrome

Barack Obama and John McCain both agree that the upcoming presidential campaign should concentrate on substantive issues and avoid issues over religion. Both candidates have encountered problems with religious leaders who have proved to be embarrassments on the campaign trail. Senator Obama has had Rev. Wright, while Senator McCain has had Pastor Hagee to deal with. Both candidates are dealing with what is known as the "Crazy Preacher Syndrome."

Reverend Wright has said that AIDS is a plot by the government to eliminate black people. Pastor Hagee has said that the Catholic Church is a giant whore. Naturally the two candidates become tired of constantly having to disavow the statements of these religious leaders. They also begin to wonder when the next "Crazy Preacher" is going to pop up. (They always seem to show up on the evening news just when things are going well.)

In what some political pundits believe is a truly brilliant political move, both candidates have decided to work together to get religion out of the politcal campaign. They both agree they must pull the rug out from under the "Crazy Preacher Syndrome." Consequently, negotiations are currently underway between both political parties and major television networks to provide air-time for their joint announcement.

Both candidates have decided to go on live-tv and declare they are now atheists.

This will allow them to totally distance themselves from any crazy preacher, pastor, priest, rabbi or mullah who happens to pop up unexpectedly. Of course some of their advisors have said this is a risky strategy since over 70% of U.S. citizens claim to be religious. Other advisors have countered this argument with the fact that most voters don't believe what politicians say so that it may not matter.

Other advisors point out that this may work until the first "Crazy Atheist" makes his or her appearance on the evening news.

Democrats and Republicans In The Wilderness

Recently my wife, Judy, clarified the difference between Republicans and Democrats. My wife often clarifies life's many puzzles for me. I am truly fortunate.

Democrats and Republicans In The Wilderness

Four politicians were out in the wilderness. Two were Democrats and two were Republicans. In the distance they spotted an animal.

Democrats: "Oh look, there's some kind of animal in the distance. We think it's a bear."

Republicans: "That's a White-Tailed Deer."

Democrats: "Possible. But let's get closer. We need more information."

Republicans: "Idiots! It's a White-Tailed Deer. Are you blind?"

They move closer.

Democrats: "You're right. It's not a bear. But, it's not a White-Tailed Deer either. Maybe it's an elk."

Republicans: "You Democrats are flip-floppers! You need to make a decision and stick with it come Hell or high-water! It's a White-Tailed Deer and nothing you say will convince us otherwise!"

Democrats: " We need more information before we can know for sure. We need to form a committee to gather facts about this animal."

Republicans: "Facts! Committees! We say it's a White-Tailed Deer and that's all you need to know!"

At this point a bearded hermit came out of the woods and said, "Why the Hell are you chasing my pet moose? You fools keep chasing her and she's liable to kick the crap out of you!"

Democrats: "A moose! Of course, that's what it is. Thank you sir for solving our puzzle."

The two Republicans now turned their backs on the Democrats and the hermit and began chanting in unison, "White-Tailed Deer...White-Tailed Deer....."

The hermit scratched his beard and studied the two Republicans as they continued chanting. He was puzzled when he heard the two Democrats shouting at each other. He moved closer to hear what their argument was about.

First Democrat: "But is she a happy moose living out here in the wilderness by herself. I think we should form a committee to look into it."

Second Democrat: "Are you an idiot? Of course she's a happy moose. However, we do need to form a committee to see if this poor hermit needs government help."

At this point the hermit went to his cabin, grabbed his shotgun and, together with the moose, chased the terrified politicians out of his woods.

Primary Drink-Off

Recent polls have indicated that voters nationwide have responded positively to seeing Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton drinking alcoholic beverages while campaigning. Consequently, representatives from both the Clinton and Obama camp have proposed a nationally televised "Primary Drink-Off" between the two Democratic candidates. Both candidates have agreed that this type of event would help them "connect" with the average American who is turning to alcohol to drown his or her sorrows.

Negotiations are now underway between the two candidate's campaign staff and various television networks. Some have reported it resembles a feeding-frenzy as the networks compete to sponsor this groundbreaking event.

Each candidate will be required to sit on a bar-stool and continue drinking various drinks suggested by submissions from U-Tube. While drinking they will be required to give answers (not necessarily coherent) to questions thrown at them by bar patrons. The first candidate to fall off his or her bar-stool will be declared the loser.

John McCain stated he would gladly compete against the winner since no one can outdrink a "drunken sailor."

Hillary's Tall Tales

On March 28, 2008 a parachute was found buried in Southwest Washington State, which many people thought might belong to the famous hijacker, D.B. Cooper. After thorough analysis by the FBI, it was determined not to belong to Mr. Cooper. However, in a stunning revelation during a campaign stop in Pennsylvania, Hillary Clinton has claimed the parachute belonged to her.

Speaking to a hushed crowd in an abandoned steel mill in Pittsburgh, Hillary revealed she had buried the parachute after a successful night-training jump. The former First Lady explained it was part of her training with secret Special OP Army units from Fort Lewis, Washington. She explained that her husband often sent her on secret missions to highly volatile regions of the world because the Secret Service deemed it too dangerous for the president.

She reminded the audience that upon graduation from college she had attempted to enlist in the Marine Corps but had been rejected because of her poor eyesight. She then smiled and said, “But as First Lady, no one could reject me.”

Hillary stated she remembered this particular jump in the state of Washington because upon landing she was approached by a large hairy creature. Her first thought, upon seeing the hulking beast, was that it might be Rush Limbaugh dressed in a monkey-suit. However, because the smelly brute was agile and somewhat friendly, she realized it had to be the legendary Bigfoot.
Hillary then smiled and said, “But thanks to my training in survival and evasion while with a Navy SEAL unit, I was able to escape the beast’s advances.”

When contacted by numerous reporters, an FBI Spokesman said, “We can neither prove nor disprove the parachute was ever used by Hillary Clinton.”Sources at the Pentagon reported that because of the secret nature of Special Operation Units, they could not comment on the claims of the former First Lady.