Squirrels, Republicans and Smoking

Judy says I am feeding the squirrels too much.  (They are Western Gray Squirrels)  She says I am creating giant mutant-squirrels that will attack both our cats and our dog.  At first I didn’t believe her and then one got stuck trying to crawl under our wire fence in the back yard.

            I was just coming out of the garage and saw the squirrel, a very fat dude, clawing away trying to get under the wire.  At that moment Judy let Corki out on to the back porch and the squirrel really started digging.

            Corki flew off the porch, grabbed the bushy gray tail and started pulling.  A frantic chattering erupted and then Corki had pulled the squirrel free.  The squirrel then spun around and tried to grab Corki’s nose.  Corki loves to chase and herd things but doesn’t have a real killer instinct.  She seemed puzzled by the squirrel’s actions and let go of the tail.

            This time the squirrel climbed the wire fence and was gone into the woods.

            A few days later there is a large, very fat gray squirrel sitting in the birdfeeder.  His bushy tail is curled up along his back and it is a very beautiful tail except for a portion that is missing any hair.  He is almost as big as our smaller cat, Vinnie.  Three other squirrels appear and it makes me  think about Alfred Hitchcock’s movie “The Birds.”   Or maybe a Stephen King novel.  I can almost hear them chanting, “Send the dog out.”

            Christmas is few days away and as I sit here writing this letter I keep thinking about smoking a cigarette.  It’s a stressful time.  You have to think about presents and cards for relatives and friends.  Then you have to pretend you’re happy and full of cheer.  Then to top it all off, Judy starts having back problems again.  A Neurosurgeon did her back surgery in April. At the advice of our primary-care Doctor she has an appointment to see the “butcher” in January to re evaluate her latest MRI.

            To keep me from returning to smoking, Judy suggested that I start taking the drug Chantix again.  About five months ago I took it and it was very effective in eliminating my desire to smoke.  The drug stimulates the receptors in the brain that are normally stimulated by nicotine in a smoker.

            Of course there’s all kinds of side effects.  Like suicidal thoughts, depression, nausea and strange, vivid dreams.  The only side effect I experienced was the dreams.

            In one dream I was back in my telephone-van which I had somehow managed to drive inside of a Hooters Restaurant.  As I drove the van, I kept bumping into tables which was upsetting the customers.  (I’m sure a psychiatrist would have a ball studying this dream.)  Oddly, the waitresses didn’t seem upset and kept coming up to the van and asking if I wanted to order.  All I could remember was lots of cleavage and customers cussing at me.  Then it just ended.

            I took the Chantix for about three weeks and really started looking forward to the dreams.  It was like a new adventure every night. While I am taking Chantix this Christmas, Judy may or may not be taking Percocet.  The Percocet is for the back-pain and makes her very talkative and very happy which is good for the holiday spirit.  Myself, I am looking forward to my dreams. (note from Judy: I am NOT going to give in and take the Percocet!!).

            Maybe I will dream that I am a Billionaire whose taxes will not go up.  And being a good billionaire, I will invest money in building up the country with manufacturing plants and infrastructure projects.  I would create jobs for millions.  And all those Chinese would truly love me for providing them with even more jobs.  Being a smart billionaire I would know where the low wages are and where I could make a good return on my investment and I'd thank those Republicans on the Hill who made it possible.

            On the other hand, maybe I’ll dream that Judy and I are homeless and standing on a street corner in Bellingham.  We'll have a cardboard sign saying, “God Bless.”  Corki will be sitting next to us with  the remnants of a squirrel tail dangling from her mouth.

Medi-Pet-Care

Santa: "Look, I'm sorry, Elves and Reindeer aren't included in Obama's health plan. Besides, some of you elves are illegial aliens and could be deported back to Elfland at any time".

   It is very cold outside at 5:30AM. The air is crisp and I can see the stars in the clear sky. Down in the twenties is what the weatherman had said. Judy and I are outside trying to get our dog, Corki, to pee on a large plastic garbage bag which is spread out on the ground. Corki will sit on command, lay down on command but she will not pee on command. We need to get a urine sample for our veterinarian and it is always a task.

     We have found that this technique works best when she first awakens. (I suspect it would work with humans also.) She keeps walking in a circle trying to get off the plastic but we keep the leash tight and finally she can hold it no longer and squats and we are jubilant. Judy then sucks up the liquid with a plastic syringe and we have our sample.

     The vet-bill comes to $300. It’s a lot of money for a doctor visit at Christmas time. The immune-deficiency test is $96.00 and the anti-biotic pills, all 96 of them, cost $110. Then there’s the x-ray which comes to $47. Fortunately the x-ray doesn’t show any abnormality of the kidneys, which is good. The problem is a high protein count in her urine.

     The vet says she has to go on a low protein diet. No more table scraps or treats. We buy $50 worth of the prescription dog food. Judy and I decide we won’t be buying each other Christmas presents this year.

      There are four veterinarians at the Fountain Vet Clinic. They all agree that Corki has a potentially serious problem but they also admit they are unsure of the cause of the problem. They say an ultra-sound would help get a clearer picture of her kidneys, bladder and stomach. It only costs $700. (No trips this summer) Of course after the ultra-sound they will probably tell us she needs surgery. (We can always sell the house and move into our RV)

     Judy’s daughter, Deanna, recommended we get a second opinion from her vet. He is a holistic vet and tells us the conventional treatments are poisoning our dog. He convinces us to try his approach and loads us up with a bag full of supplements and tells us to feed her only ground up raw veggies and real meat. We walk out of there $460 poorer. (so much for living in the RV, we’ll sell it to buy a tent)

     It is obvious that many Americans, like Judy and I, need relief from spiraling health-care costs for pets. Many Americans are just one pet-health-emergency away from going bankrupt and losing their home. I think the time is right for a senator or representative to introduce a bill to create universal health care for pets. Better yet, the legislation could simply be attached to one of the existing human health-care bills currently being debated. It could be one paragraph hidden within the thousands of pages and may never even be noticed.

     Of course, if it is discovered by the Republicans, they will scream that it is one more dangerous step towards Socialism. Rush Limbaugh will begin screaming that we will create a bunch of barking and meowing socialists.

     Republicans and some Democrats will argue that the government will now come between a pet owner and their veterinarian. An arbitrary age may be decided by a government bureaucrat for when a dog or cat must die. Television commercials showing old dogs and old cats will appear with accusations of “killing Granny.” It will probably get very ugly.

     Ironically, many veterinarians may start lobbying for universal-health-care for pets. They will see the potential financial bonanza in having all pets covered. It could be called Medi-Pet-Care. They would probably lobby for all pets to be included such as hamsters, parakeets, rabbits, turtles and even snakes. The more pets covered the more money to be made.

     Of course the most serious obstacle would be the cost. Some will argue it will be one more step to financial ruin for the country. Others will argue that cost is no problem at all. We can just borrow some more money from China. On his next trip to China to visit our “banker,” President Obama will bow properly and explain how we need a few more bucks for one more government program. The “banker” will begin grilling Obama, asking those tough, hardnosed questions that all loan-officers ask. Obama will explain the new program and the loan-officer will get a bewildered look on his face. Finally, the Chinese loan-officer will lean across the table and say, “Why don’t you solve a big problem by doing what we do.” Puzzled, Obama will ask what they do in China. The Chinese loan-officer will smile broadly and say, “We eat our pets.”

     I’m exaggerating of course. There are some Chinese who love their pets as much as Americans do, but the Chinese Government does not encourage pet ownership. The trick is to never get a pet, especially a lovable dog, who then, somehow, becomes a member of the family. It’s downright spooky the way they do it.

     I do like the sound of Medi-Pet-Care. A politician could really run with this and all the “talking-heads” on radio and TV would view it as something to increase their ratings.